Q: I realize that there is a lot more attention being given to
sexuality and disability these days, but I'm not sure I find it worth
the effort for me. People I'm attracted to usually don't consider me a
potential partner. I need help with transfers, I'm self-conscious
about my weak bladder and I'm aware of so many things I wish I could
feel that it's hard to enjoy myself. Is there something wrong with
just letting go of the whole thing?
A: Absolutely not. Asexuality is an option and you have
every right to choose it. Plenty of people -- with or without
disabilities -- make that decision, and would tell you they have very
fulfilling lives. They love and are loved by their families and
friends and their community, have satisfying activities in their lives
and are at peace with a lifestyle that does not include sexual
activity.
But there are some important questions for you to consider: Do you
continue to be aware that you're not having sex and wish you were? Do
you feel an underlying sadness in your life from a lingering sense of
unmet need? Do you experience depression and loss of energy related to
unexpressed sexuality? Does the decision to just give it up leave you
with a sense of feeling defeated? In other words, asexuality may not
be such a great answer if it results in other internal pressures and
frustrations. This is not just about letting go of the physical
activity of sex, it's about achieving an internal sense of acceptance
about it. Are you perhaps overemphasizing the physical aspect of
sexuality?
This is not just about "having sex," but about a rich,
intimate experience with a loving partner -- sexually, and in every
other quarter of life. I wonder if rather than giving it up altogether
you might think instead of remaining open to meeting such a person by
focusing on optimal health, taking care with your grooming and
clothing and by relaxing into your true self and allowing your
personality to shine. These are the qualities that attract meaningful
partners, including those people for whom your disability will not be
an automatic disqualifier. This way, rather than feeling that having a
sexual partner is a requirement, you can be integrated and active in
your own life while still being open to someone when the opportunity
might present itself.
The fact is that plenty of people with disabilities as significant
as yours are having such relationships, and having sexual experiences
they find gratifying. They probably felt the same way you do at some
point in their experience. It's also a fact that plenty of people have
reached the point you are at, decided they would just do without sex
for the rest of their lives, and then got a big surprise with the
arrival of someone who truly loves them. Whatever you choose, don't
close yourself off to the possibility.
That said, expressing your sexual identity doesn't even have to
involve a partner. It's a typical recommendation in disability and
sexuality circles that you should explore masturbation and
self-stimulation. Many people with disabilities don't take the time to
discover what kinds of pleasurable sensations they can accomplish on
their own, sensations that can relieve stress and affirm the sexual
aspect of our nature.
It's our human nature to be sensual, and it would be a shame to
give up that aspect of your true self. We can experience the world
around us in a sensual way every day - the beauty of nature or art,
the sensuality of comfortable clothing, the richness of tasting your
favorite food well prepared and beautifully presented, feeling the
sensual quality of another person without thinking we should be having
sex with them! Please don't throw the baby out with the bath water.
But I'm not so naïve as to think that there aren't considerable
emotional forces at play here. Remaining open to the possibility of a
partner involves a lot of fear and risk. Masturbation might satisfy in
the short term, but can also amplify the desire for more sturdy fare
with another real, live human being. And I realize that the beauty of
a flower or a tree, or sipping your favorite cup of tea is no
replacement for true erotic experience. I'm simply urging you to take
some time to consider the dynamics surrounding your decision to be
asexual, so that you do it with full awareness of its meaning for you.
If it ends up being the choice you make, then don't let it be a symbol
of loss and defeat, but rather a source of peace and clarity.
Source by Gary Karp, June 11, 2001 - iCan!
Inc. ©2001
